Notes: Thanks again to redwriter for her wonderful suggestions. Betas really are the reason so many of us writers look as good as we do. And this is dedicated to Shelia. She knows why.
The room was bright and airy, and in one of the newest wings of Bethesda. However, the most disconcerting thing about it was that it was a private room - one she was sure was usually reserved for ranks higher than lowly lieutenant colonels. However, when she questioned the admitting physician, he just looked puzzled. "You’re where your papers say you should be, Colonel. There’s a notation here that says you’re to be afforded private accommodations for security reasons."
"Security? Whose?" But the trip had drawn the last of her strength. As she fell asleep, she wondered how Clay arranged it.
Her dreams were scattered snatches, barely remembered when she awoke to the prodding and poking and drawing of blood that was routine in any hospital stay. It took her several days to finally orient herself to her surroundings again and, when she did, she found herself facing a tiny elf of a woman, who couldn’t have possibly passed the height requirements. However, the silver eagles on her collar proclaimed her rank.
"Captain?" Sarah croaked.
"Well, have you slept enough? Are you ready to begin your recovery program?" She was all business, but Sarah could see the kind humor in her eyes.
"Let’s do it. Can we start with a trip to the bathroom?"
Green eyes twinkled. "You don’t want the cold steel beneath your butt?"
"No, ma’am."
"Nora will do. But, if you get the urge to curse at me, kindly remember that I do outrank you."
Sarah smiled and nodded. Carefully, she swung her legs over the side of the bed. Once standing, the pain and dizziness would’ve crumpled her had the petite Captain not steadied her. Sarah stood more than six inches taller than her, but strong arms supported her and guided her to the bathroom. "Sit and take your time. When you need me, I’ll be right out here."
Nora Simmons was damned near perfect in Sarah’s opinion. Even while seeing to Sarah’s highly personal needs and administrating the most comforting massages Sarah had ever experienced, Nora kept up a steady commentary on the doctors, the Navy and the way things had changed or not changed in the past thirty-five years.
"You were in Viet Nam? What were the height requirements then?" It just slipped out, and Sarah could feel her skin blaze with embarrassment as Nora worked her muscles.
Nora just chuckled. "They needed nurses. And, I’m remarkably strong. Mean, too."
Sarah laughed in relief. "I just bet you are. Why did you become a nurse, anyway?"
"I was a prodigy, I graduated from high school at fifteen. But, my parents didn’t have the money to send me to medical school. I worked my way through nursing college, thinking that I’d let the Navy help pay my way through medical school."
"What happened?"
"I liked nursing. And, I found I disliked most doctors. Oh, many of them are very good at what they do, but most of them don’t see the patient. That was my job. I love my work."
"You’ve been in for thirty-five years. How old are you?" Sarah asked, even though she would’ve bristled at such an invasion of her privacy.
"Fifty-five, this fall. I retire in two months."
"Then what?"
Her smile reminded Sarah of Clay at his most secretive. "Oh….I’m working on something."
"What?!"
But Nora was finished with the massage and insisted upon helping Mac dress in the soft nightgown Harriet had thoughtfully brought earlier in the day.
Harriet called after dinner, but Harm stopped by unannounced. It was a pleasant visit, but Sarah had to fight the urge to ask if Clay had returned with them. After half an hour, Harm handed her a crossword puzzle book and said, "Well, I have to get back to Mattie – the last time I let her order dinner, she had them put sausage on the pizza."
"Horrors!" Sarah stifled a yawn. "Thank you for stopping by."
"You have to get better soon, Mac. Chegwidden is worse than ever."
"Gee, and I thought you just wanted someone you could beat in court."
"Well, that, too." He grinned briefly before adding snidely, "You know you’re the only one he doesn’t yell at."
She gaped at him as she remembered all the times she’d faced Chegwidden’s wrath. "You really believe that?"
His only answer was one of the smiles that used to make her heart beat just a little faster. But now, as he walked out of the room, she noted that he was no longer the fair-haired boy; he was getting older, just like the rest of them.
That night, her dreams turned erotic. She moaned as Clay licked his way slowly down her body. His voice was so clear. "So soft, Sarah." But when he said, "I love you," it was the resigned sorrow she’d heard in Baghdad. She woke with tears on her face.
"Bad night?" Nora asked as she bustled around the bed, deftly changing the sheets. "No, don’t bother to get up, I’ve been doing this forever."
"Yeah, but I have to use the head," Sarah snapped.
"Oh, sorry. I tend to get carried away."
"Damn, you’re chipper in the morning."
Nora beamed. "I had dinner with old friends last night. Caught up on six months worth of gossip."
Sarah managed to make it into the bathroom on her own. Leaving the door cracked, she called back, "Sounds like you heard something particularly juicy."
"Oh, yeah." But she didn’t elaborate. "You need help in there?"
"Can I shower?"
"Tomorrow!"
"Slave driver."
"You don’t like my sponge baths?"
"Truth? No." Sarah scowled but allowed Nora to help her back into bed.
"Maybe I should request a male nurse," Nora teased.
"Nora!"
"Oh, you new recruits are so uptight."
Sarah just stared as Nora, with sharp commentary on what she called ‘neo-feminists,’ quickly and efficiently cleaned her. When she was finished, she checked her watch. "Ooops. I’ll be back after breakfast. I have plenty of new tortures planned for you today."
"Terrific."
Sarah, who had carefully checked and then circled French toast on the menu order form last night was now picking at scramble eggs, wondering if she ordered scramble eggs for tomorrow, she might stand a chance at getting French toast tomorrow.
"Colonel?"
She jumped at his deep baritone. He stood there in his blues, his cover under his arm. "Admiral!" She verified the time with the clock on the wall. "Is something wrong?"
He was the hard, closed-off CO he’d been since Meredith so effectively cuckolded him. "No. But I won’t have time later. I thought I’d bring by your laptop. Let you at least keep current on your emails."
"Gee. Thanks." She considered teasing him. Once she could have. «Damn you, Meredith!» Now she just resignedly smiled. "Is there something in particular you need me to do?"
"Do?" Nora’s voice interrupted them. "The only thing you’re doing is what the doctor ordered."
The Admiral’s face reddened at the rebuke and he turned to glare at the tiny captain who stood at the foot of Sarah’s bed.
Sarah could see his face in profile but Nora’s face was clearly visible. The daring humor all but radiated. Sarah started to introduce them but something made her stop.
"Capt…" The Admiral started to take umbrage, but he stopped, gaped then gasped. "Nora? Nora Simmons?"
When she saw the triumphant look on Nora’s face, Sarah leaned back to enjoy the show. "Hello, AJ."
"Well, I’ll be damned. How long have you been stationed here, and why the devil didn’t you call me?"
"Just two weeks. They rotated me stateside while they’re processing my retirement papers."
"You’re finally getting out?"
Sarah might as well not even be in the room.
"Yeah. Oh, and I did call you, but it seems you’re a very busy man." Had Sarah just met her, she would’ve sworn the Captain couldn’t have been out of her thirties; her smile seemed to fill her entire face.
The Admiral, who was still grinning like a teenager, suddenly realized that Sarah was still lying there, staring open-mouthed. He took a deep breath. "Nora and I served in the Mekong together. Dear God, Nora. You don’t look any different than you did in ‘Nam. Certainly no different than you did in Naples."
"Well, I can thank Clairol for that."
«Dear God, she just simpered!» Sarah bit down hard on her lips to keep from giggling.
AJ shook his head, but then sobered. "I need to get going. No need to push yourself, Colonel. I just brought the laptop in case you got bored. Good seeing you again, Nora." And he was gone.
Nora stood there, staring at the doorway. Sarah cleared her throat. "Do you want to go after him?"
She was surprised that the grin was still on Nora’s face. "No need. I know where he’s stationed."
"You’re old friends?" Sarah wondered if the ‘something’ Nora was working on just happened to be her CO. Nora didn’t answer, and Sarah took the leap. "You were in love with him."
Nora just grinned and went to find the chair to wheel Sarah down to rehab.
They didn’t speak on the subject of AJ Chegwidden again until that afternoon, when Sarah woke from her nap and brought it up. "So you and the Admiral…"
Nora sighed. "He wasn’t an admiral back then, anymore than I was a captain. He was just a green, cocky SEAL." She grinned wickedly. "He had more hair – but not much."
"So? What happened?" She thought for a moment that she’d crossed the line. But Nora smiled, settled back into the padded chair next to the bed and let the memories unfold.
"There were two men back then, more really." She raised her eyebrow at Sarah’s shocked look. "Hey, what can I say? We had the pill. No one knew what AIDS was. Anything you could catch was curable. It was just…" she shrugged, "different back then. But, finally, it came down to two men. One was a doctor I worked with, and the other was AJ. I made my choice."
"The wrong one?" Sarah nudged.
"Wrong? No. Charlie and I lived a good life. We both stayed in. We both loved serving our country. We never had kids. Don’t know why. Most of the time we were assigned to the same duty station, although never under the same command. Charlie was a psychiatrist. I was a surgical nurse in ‘Nam. Later, though, I switched over to rehab."
"He died?"
"Two years ago. I thought about retiring then, but you know what they say about making serious decisions right after a life-changing event. Now, it’s time to leave. Find out if there’s anything else."
"Why did you pick your doctor over the Admiral?"
"Well, for one thing, I figured Charlie wasn’t going to up and die on me." She snorted. "AJ was a real daredevil back then. But the real reason?"
"Yes, please."
"AJ never asked. And he never would have. I just wasn’t want he wanted. Oh, we were great in bed and he respected me. But I think he was just perfectly happy with the way things were. We were all stationed on the Delta back then. I dated both Charlie and AJ until the day AJ left Viet Nam. On the day that Charlie was scheduled to be rotated out, he actually went down on one knee in front of the entire compound and proposed. How could I turn him down?"
"You ever regret it?"
"What was to regret? I never met anyone I wanted to leave Charlie for."
"This was the first time you’ve seen the Admiral?"
"Of course not. We stayed friends. Heck, I even served with AJ in Naples. It was one of the few times Charlie and I were on different continents – he was back in the States at Bethesda." Nora, blushed, obviously embarrassed by the line of questioning. She rose and said sternly, "I’ve got paperwork."
It wasn’t until the following afternoon, after a visit from Harriet and Bud, that Sarah got the courage to ask Nora, "So, what happened in Naples?"
And Nora must have found the emotional control she’d nearly lost the day before. "I never once cheated on Charlie. But I came close in Naples."
"What stopped you?"
"AJ. He said it wouldn’t be right. Funny. All the time in Viet Nam, they both knew about the other. They were never friends, never hung out together, but…" her voice trailed off and she sipped her tea. "AJ has his own code of morality. He has a firm life view and I don’t think he ever bedded a married woman." She smiled. "Besides, he’d met Marcella by then. I really think she was the one great love of his life. But, they were both so stubborn."
"You know what happened recently?"
"Oh, Sarah. If you have to ask that, you don’t know the Navy well at all. I heard through mutual friends – and non-friends – about every woman in his life. And, sweetie, he’s had a ton of them. I have plenty of friends in Washington, and the gossip about Dr. Cavanaugh was rather cruel. Several people mentioned that they didn’t understand why AJ stayed with her. Poor AJ, he’s never had any luck when it comes to Italians."
"Everyone knows what happened?" Sarah gasped.
"Not the details of the break up. They just know she moved to Italy to be with some Italian professor she’d met while teaching a seminar." Nora peered at Sarah, and Sarah found she had to fight the urge to tell Nora what Meredith had confided. But, she respected the Admiral too much to say anything, especially to this woman. A slow approving smile appeared on Nora’s face. "If you really do know, don’t you ever tell anyone. I certainly don’t want to know."
And Sarah understood why a Navy Captain who should’ve been managing a whole department of nurses was handling her and just two other rehab cases. "You asked for me, didn’t you?"
Nora continued to smile but said nothing.
"You think you can get him?"
"I’m going to try hard."
Sarah just shook her head.
As the days wore on, she saw similarities between her and the older woman. She figured she’d definitely stay in the military as long. And she couldn’t argue with Nora’s determination. She did gain some insight into her CO’s behavior, even noticing similarities between Chegwidden and Harm. She certainly didn’t want to be Harm’s Marcella; besides, she figured Diane held that spot. She almost cried when she realized that she could very well be that to Clay. But why hadn’t he visited, or at least called her? Had he really meant what he said in Baghdad? Surely he’d just been upset. What the hell did he expect her to do? Call him? Hell, she wasn’t even sure he was in the country.
It was the afternoon of her seventh day, and Nora brought her the news that she could go home the next day. "You have anyone to stay with you for a day or two until you’re comfortable on your feet?"
Sarah shook her head. She couldn’t ask Harriet. Not with little Jimmy needing his mommy. She chewed her cheeks, then brightened. "You said you were in a BOQ. You want my guest bedroom? You know, for a change of scenery, some peace and quiet."
Nora made a show of actually weighing the options, but Sarah already knew she had a roomie. The Admiral had visited late yesterday afternoon and, while he tried for his stern façade with Sarah, his face softened every time Nora came in to "check on her patient." Sarah wasn’t sure Nora really saw her while the Admiral was there. "Well, just for a couple of days."
"Great."
Harm drove her home and promised Nora he’d be more than happy to pick her up at her quarters. "No need, Commander, I have a ride."
Harm was considerate, and anxious to do whatever Sarah needed done. She sensed a renewed effort on his part. "Hey, what do you want for dinner? Chinese? I bet you really need a change from hospital food."
"I’m really tired, Harm. But, thank you." After he left, she got reacquainted with the apartment she’d not seen in over a month. The irony of her absence was not lost upon her. Had Clay been in town most of the time she was gone? She tried to tell herself it wasn’t the same, but she’d nearly died. "Damn you, Clay!" She almost reached for the phone to call him, but Nora chose that moment to knock on her door.
Sarah looked at the one small suitcase that signaled it’d be a very short stay. Nora saw the look of disappointment. "Most of my stuff is in Martinsville. That’s where Charlie and I finally bought our retirement home. Before he died, we spent every vacation day there. I go back whenever I can."
"Oh. I didn’t mean to keep you away. I’m so sorry."
"Sarah!" A look of annoyance passed over Nora’s face, only to be replaced by a rueful laugh. "God! You remind me of myself. Stop apologizing for things out of your control. I follow the orders of the Navy. After that, I do only what I want. And, what I want right now is to get you back to one hundred percent."
Sarah knew she was talking about more than just a physical well-being.
Sarah could manage her bedtime and morning routines fairly well, but she tired easily and welcomed Nora’s firm, impersonal approach to the rehab exercises. "Just do it, Colonel." However, when it came to sharing her experiences through the years, she continued to be open and sharing. Sarah accepted each insight as a precious gift.
It’d been a grueling morning of walking down stairs and back up to her bed. Sarah didn’t even bother with a shower. She gingerly pulled off her sweats and donned an over-large tee shirt, then climbed into bed. As she was contemplating a nap, she heard the door buzzer. "Tell whoever it is that I deserted and you think I might be in Antarctica."
Nora appeared in the doorway wearing a puzzled look. "There’s a Mrs. Porter Webb downstairs and she wants to come up and see you." Sarah had told her all about Clayton Webb and Harmon Rabb. "Any relation to the spook?"
Sarah groaned. "Oh, damn. It’s his mother."
"You want me to tell her you’re asleep?"
"No. No. Don’t do that. Give me my brush and lipstick. I’ll see her in here. Maybe generate a little sympathy."
"A real dragon lady?"
"No. Really nice. Don’t keep her waiting."
Porter Webb surveyed Sarah’s bedroom with a critical eye but seemed to find no fault. She sat in the rocking chair that Nora had brought in from the front room.
Sarah studied Clay’s mother, wondering why she’d come. She’d met Porter Webb twice now, and while the woman seemed a little standoffish, she’d shown Sarah nothing but impeccable manners. "Nora, could you make a pot of tea?" Nora seemed thrilled to leave the room to the two women.
"You’ll forgive me for just stopping by. I…well…I’m afraid it took a rather great amount of courage to come here."
Sarah just gaped. "I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were afraid of me. Why ever would you be?"
"I’m afraid of anyone who holds my son’s happiness in their hands as tightly as you do, my dear."
Sarah gulped but didn’t turn away. "Why are you here?"
"To see how you are. Nothing else."
"Clay?"
"Clay called to say that you were safe. I’m very glad of that."
"Thank you."
"We had dinner last night."
At least she knew he was back. She didn’t have the courage to ask for how long.
"Tell me," Porter said softly. "Are you afraid of me?"
"You? No. I…not really. It’s just…"
"I’m a bit overwhelming? Do you think that I disapprove of you as a…a…an appropriate match for my son?"
"Mrs. Webb, nothing you’ve done has indicated that to me. You’ve been a perfect hostess the two times that we’ve visited with you. But…well, yeah…I guess a little."
"Indeed. Why?" Porter looked truly confused. "Is that one of the reasons why you broke up with Clayton?"
"Please. That had nothing to do with it." Well, maybe a little, but it hadn’t been the reason. "You know, Clay hasn’t been to see me since my hospital stay in Baghdad. I wasn’t even sure he was in town. That’s the reason, Mrs. Webb." She couldn’t believe she told her.
Porter sighed and sank deeper into the chair. "My son is as stubborn as his father was, which, considering how little he saw of Neville as a child, is surprising."
Sarah kept her face completely bland. "You’re not stubborn?"
"Me? I think I prefer determined." Porter had the good grace to smile at Sarah’s raised eyebrow. "I’m determined that he be happy, or as happy as he can be. He was a very lonely child, very serious, so easily hurt that he closed himself off from most people." Nora chose that moment to enter, and Porter gratefully accepted the cup of tea. "Lovely. Thank you."
After handing Sarah her mug, Nora said, "I’ll be out in the kitchen if you need me."
Sarah picked up the thread. "I understand. I take full responsibility for hurting him. But his job…"
"It takes a great deal of courage to enter into such a relationship. My husband loved me dearly. I always knew that. But, it was still terribly, terribly hard. Even with the clearances I had, he wouldn’t tell me anything about his job. He held it all in – I’m sure to protect me." She paused and misery filled her eyes with tears. "And, when he didn’t come home…" Even after all this time it still affected her. Sarah felt her own tears rise to the surface. But, like her son, Porter quickly composed herself, and Sarah found the strength to do the same. "But that’s not why I’m here. Truly, I wanted to find out how you were and…"
"Did Clay send you?"
"He told me you would ask that. No. He didn’t send me, but he is my son and I owe him my first allegiance. I asked him if he would mind. He said no, and to send you his regards."
"His regards! His regards!" Sarah’s hand shook so badly that she splashed tea onto the bedspread. Porter was up reaching for the tea. "Damn him!" Her fury turned to shame and she whispered, "Oh, God. What you must think of me."
"Colonel…Sarah…please….I’m sorry I’ve upset you." Porter turned to go.
The tears were coursing down Sarah’s cheeks and she found she couldn’t form a coherent sentence. But before Porter reached the door, she managed. "Porter, wait." Once she regained some control she said, "Please tell your son to come and see me. We need to talk." She wasn’t sure, her vision was still blurred from the tears but she thought she saw a satisfied smile on the woman’s face. She’d have to remember that, along with determination, there was a crafty mind behind that refined façade.
She’d decided to make an early night of it, and had almost dropped into a light doze when God felt the need to crack another joke at her expense.
Harriet and Bud brought the kids by before going out for an early dinner. Little Jimmy had cried most of the visit and even little AJ, normally so even keeled, was antsy. They weren’t gone long before Sturgis decided made an appearance. He sat with her for fifteen very uncomfortable minutes. She still wasn’t sure about what was going on in his life, but she accepted the book he brought and kept her sigh of relief bottled until she heard Nora bid him, ‘Good night and thank you for stopping by.’
Nora brought her dinner just as the door buzzed again. When she came back, the Admiral was right behind her, and Sarah swore she saw a faint blush on Nora’s cheeks. "Good evening, sir."
"Colonel. How are you doing?" He looked around the room, but made no move to sit in the rocker. If he was affected by the presence of her temporary roommate, he made no show of it in his rigid manner.
Sarah sighed; they’d known each other eight years. That had to count for something. "Oh, for goodness sake. Sit down…sir. Have you eaten?"
"No, thank you. I don’t want to…" But Nora decided to double-team him, and gently pushed him toward the chair.
"Sit. There’s plenty. Talk. I’m sure there’re things you have to go over. You know…office things." She hurried from the room.
"What is that?" He peered into the deep bowl that Sarah had rested on her chest.
"Stew. It’s very good. Nora’s a great cook." She took a deep breath. "I’m really glad she could come and stay with me. She’s a great person."
He glared at her. She wondered if she’d laid it on a little thick. He was still fighting the return to their pre-Meredith easiness. She took a deep breath and decided to go for broke. "I have something to say to you. I don’t need a response and it’ll never be spoken of by me again."
"Colonel, I just stopped by as a courtesy." He put his hand on the chair arms, ready to rise and flee. "I meant what I said in the office. My personal life…"
"Would you stop it?" she snapped, surprised by her own vehemence. "I know what happened. Meredith told me and I called her a stupid bitch to her face." He sat there, rigid as a stone gargoyle. "You know I will NEVER tell anyone – even that woman out there." She paused, gathering her courage. "Why the hell are you taking it out on all of us? We don’t need to know the details. All that matters is that she hurt you. The people at that office are all the family you seem to have anymore."
A myriad of emotions played across his face. Finally, resigned defeat settled there, and he sighed, "You’re the only woman I have ever taken that kind of talk from, Mac."
"I’m honored."
"Don’t be. Nothing has changed. I’m too old for this shit anymore. I can’t handle the rejection of everything that I am. I should’ve resigned when I wanted to. Maybe Meredith would’ve…" He took a deep breath, dismissing that argument on his own. "No, I was grasping at straws. Well, no more. I’m not saying I’ll never date again, but it’s just so hard having your yeoman know when it doesn’t work out."
Sarah snorted. "Tell me about it. Your yeoman, the whole office…Harmon Rabb." They shared an exaggerated shudder.
"What a pity," he said.
"Pity, sir?"
"Pity that I never took the chance with you. But, you deserve someone closer to your own age. Someone who will treat you right."
"Yeah, I do." She laughed at his look. "Oh, not the age thing. And you would’ve treated me well, had you been willing to break the rules, but I figured out something while waiting to die. Your commitment to ‘the rules’ is an integral part of who you are. And I realized that, if you start changing the people you love, they aren’t that person anymore. You are who you are, and I have it on very good authority that the woman out there…" she’d been watching the door, and as soon as she saw Nora approaching carrying a tray with two more bowls of stew, she stopped.
"I’m not so sure." His sad smile told her he recognized Nora’s renewed interest. "You can’t go home again."
"Bullshit…sir."
"Is it okay for me to come in?" Nora looked from on to the other, but lingered longer on Sarah as if trying to figure out what she’d said.
The Admiral started to stand to offer Nora his seat, but she pushed the stew at him. "I’m fine. I’ll just sit here on the corner of the bed." Sarah wondered what they’d find to talk about, but the door buzzed again. "Oh, for goodness sakes." Nora set the bowl on the dresser and went to answer it.
"She’s a remarkable woman, sir."
"That she is, Colonel. But, that was a long time ago."
"So?"
He bristled, then sighed. "She loved Charlie."
"Again, so what? She told me all about it. Sounded to me like you weren’t ready. You going to just sulk, and wallow in self-pity?" Much like she herself was currently doing. His level glare told her he saw more than his latest descent into ‘going by the book’ should really allow.
"Sarah!" Nora called from by the door, "It’s Commander Rabb."
Grateful for the diversion, Sarah called out. "Great. Don’t worry about food. He’s a vegetarian."
"His loss."
The Admiral stood and took his bowl. "I’ll eat out here with Nora. Leave you two to talk."
"Admiral!" Rabb sounded surprised.
"Commander," he replied calmly. "I’d tell you to grab a bowl of stew, but there’s meat in it."
"That’s okay, sir. I…I’m just going to visit for a bit."
"Hey flyboy, pull up the chair."
"That’s okay. I’ve been on a plane for the last eight hours."
"Oh. I didn’t know you were out of town. Nobody tells me anything."
"You think I wouldn’t have come more often if I’d been here?" He tossed his cover onto the dresser and rested his hip on the edge of the bed, his outstretched hand brushing her leg. She tried to draw up some hint of attraction, but all she felt was comfort that he was there.
"I know. I’m sorry. You know I never thanked you for…"
"And I never thanked you for all the times you backed me up. Look, Mac. We need to talk." He took a deep breath and looked away from her. "I need to know what you and Webb have decided."
"Oh?" She carefully placed the half-filled bowl on the nightstand next to the bed. "Why do you …" Once again, the buzzer announced another caller and short, of it being Publisher’s Clearing House declaring that she’d won a million dollars, she rather suspected who her latest caller was. Before Nora could say anything, Sarah said, "It’s Clay?" At her nod, Sarah smiled. "Send him up."
"Look, I’ll catch you later." Harm started to leave but she stopped him.
"Wait. Harm, please." She sighed. "What do you want from me, Harm? Forget Clay. Just tell me what YOU want."
"I want you to know I’ll be here for you. I thought, you know, it’s the year – you know the baby?" He blushed but barreled on. "And, with Mattie in my life, I wondered if you wanted to try and make a go of it? You know, take a shot at trying to make a real family."
And she saw it clearly. She and Harm could be happy together. She’d never cheat on him, and she did love him. But did he love her? He still hadn’t said the words. She wondered if Charlie Simmons had truly loved Nora. Never once did Nora use the word to describe what they had together. He’d gotten down on one knee in front of a bunch of jaded Marines and SEALS. Why? Because it was the right thing to do? Or because he thought he had to rescue Nora? Sarah was pretty sure that she’d never find out the answer to that question. And, in truth it didn’t matter. Was she willing to settle for a career and someone who respected her? Did Harm really respect her? He hadn’t shown much respect in recent memory.
But Clay had always respected her. And, he’d finally said he loved her in Baghdad. But now? She’d hurt him badly, and he hadn’t pressed his position in the hospital. There’d been no speech on what he’d given up for her. Could they be happy together? «Damn it! Do I love him?»
"Sarah?" Clay stopped and glared at Rabb. "Oh. You’re here. I can wait outside."
"Come in, Clay. I see your mother gave you my message." At his confused surprise, she felt relief that he’d come on his own, without his mother’s prompting.
"Mother was here?" At her nod, he sighed. "Last night, when I finally got in, she mentioned she might stop by. See how you were. I slept there last night, then went in for meetings." His eyes were haunted, and she longed to find out why.
"Oh." Her eyes were riveted on the brown bag clutched his hand.
Rabb saw it, too. "What’s that?"
Clay looked at it as if he were unsure how it came to be in his possession. Blushing a bright scarlet, he thrust it at her. "I remembered you like Cherry Garcia."
The crumpled sack was cold, and when she opened it, she grinned happily. "Thank you." She yanked the cover off the container.
Rabb looked embarrassed as she grabbed her spoon out of the half-eaten stew, licked it clean, and began to glom down the frozen confection. "I was going to see if you wanted to order in," he huffed. "I didn’t know if you’d eaten or not."
"S’kay," she mumbled. Clay looked so pleased that he’d brought her a token she was really enjoying. "Thank you," she repeated shyly.
"You’re welcome." He glanced at Rabb, but the flyer just crossed his arms, unwilling to leave them alone. Clay cleared his throat but didn’t say anything.
Sarah watched him closely. She could see he was getting ready to flee. "Why did you come tonight, Clay?"
He took a deep breath and glared at Rabb again, but made his decision. "I’ve been thinking about what I said in Baghdad. I love you. I…I want to marry you."
Well, it wasn’t getting down on bended knee in the middle of a combat zone, but Harm as witness was a pretty good substitute. And, from the sudden quiet in the room beyond, she figured Chegwidden had heard it, too.
Before Harm could say anything snide, Clay held up his hand. "And, because it gives you so much pain, if you say yes, I’ll resign."
The ice cream was forgotten. The spoon slipped from her fingers to stain the coverlet. She fell back against the bolster and stared at him. Harm jerked his head around to watch her, and she could see he was remembering what she’d asked him once on the Guadalcanal. «What are you willing to give up to be with me.»
"Clay, I can’t ask…"
"But you knew that, didn’t you, Webb!" Rabb barked harshly. "You knew she wouldn’t demand that you give up everything that you hold dear."
Clay wasn’t looking at her. The grin was for Harm. "You know, I’m glad you’re here. She needs to hear this, and maybe you do to. My job, one that I am extremely good at and proud to do, is really just that. My job. When I’m eighty, no one is going to remember that I was ADCI or even the Director. But my wife, and hopefully my kids and grandkids, will remember me. And that’s what I truly will hold dear."
"But, Clay," she whispered. "I thought…" She blushed and glanced at Harm. "The doctors said..."
Clay turned his smile to her and reached inside his pocket. He drew out a thin sheet of paper and handed it to her.
"What’s this?"
"My latest sperm count. It’s low, but not impossible. And since it’s higher than it was, there’s a chance it’ll get better."
"Oh, Clay." Well, there it was. He was freely offering more than any man had ever offered her. Only one real questioned remained. Did she love him? His next words nearly tore her apart.
"I need to know, Sarah. I…I wish I was noble enough to say your friendship was enough, but we’ve never really been friends. If you say that, then I’ll have to take a pass. I’ll go." And, almost as if he were convincing himself, he said, "I’ll move on." Would he? She wasn’t sure. Perhaps he, more than Harm, would end up like her very unhappy CO – bitter and unwilling to try again unless some woman forced the issue.
Before she could answer him, Harm growled, "Good! Go. Because we don’t believe your lies."
She gasped at Harm’s presumption. "Harm! You have no…"
But once again, Clay reached into his pocket and pulled out another sheet of paper. And, accepting what she’d tried to ignore for so long, handed it not to her, but to the manager of her emotional life.
Harm took it and read it. His face paled, and he looked from Clay to Sarah. "You really mean this? You’d really give it all up for her?" There was awe and regret in his voice.
Clay rolled his eyes, but waited.
Sarah looked from one to the other then burst out, "Get out! How dare you? Damn you!" Harm practically beamed at Webb, knowing she was finally coming to her senses. "Who the hell do you two think you are? I’ve had it with both of you." She threw off the covers. The tee shirt she’d worn rode up, showing them her serviceable white panties. Through the doorway, she could see the Admiral firmly holding Nora’s arm, preventing her from interfering.
She stood in front of Harm. "Go!"
He smirked, and she knew he thought she’d finally come to her senses, and that she’d once again come into his sphere once Clay was out of the picture. "Sure thing, Mac. Call me when you want to talk. You know I’ll be here for you." She just pointed to the open door. He sauntered out of the room, and his parting look at Clay almost screamed, ‘You lose.’ "Admiral, I’ll see you in the morning. Captain, take good care of our girl in there."
Clay hadn’t moved, nor had his expression changed throughout her tirade or Harm’s attempt at salvaging his self-esteem. She stood in front of him. The slap would’ve sent him sprawling. As it was, when he caught her wrist at the last minute, they both nearly toppled from the force of the abrupt stop. "Go, Clay. I mean it."
There was no triumphant smirk. "No. Not without an answer."
"Answer? You treat me like a child and…"
"No. I treated Rabb like a child – and the lawyer that he is." He released her and turned to the door. But, instead of walking out, he firmly closed it, turned back to her and continued. "And the one obstacle that you have to remove. I don’t have that power."
"That’s my decision!"
"So make it. Nothing is going to change until you do. I’ve done everything I can."
"Just how is this different than him giving up his commission?"
"Nothing, I guess. Except it’s real." He rubbed the furrow from his forehead. "I’ve thought this through. This isn’t a ploy, Sarah. I’ve put out some feelers. You said you couldn’t stand the duplicity of my job. Would you be willing to follow me all over the world? I can work for State as a security analyst. The postings will be long-term at our embassies. I understand London needs a real overhaul. Homeland Security can always use a terrorist expert. Unfortunately, both jobs are going to be as time intensive as the Agency."
He looked lost, but determined. He reached up and brushed away tears she hadn’t noticed. "I’m not doing this to guilt you out. I’m just telling you what I’m willing to do to make this work." Slumping down into the rocking chair, he scrubbed his face with his hands. "Or is it a moot point? Do you love me, Sarah? Can you let Rabb go? Are you willing to do anything to meet me half way?"
It wasn’t fair. She was tired – exhausted by the physical exertion of her recovery and by the emotional demands the two men were putting on her. Not to mention that she knew they were so short-handed at work. She was so angry with him for putting this kind of pressure on her. Why had he asked her to marry him now? Why hadn’t he left like Harm?
"Clay?" She took a deep breath. "I…I need you to go now. I can’t, I won’t answer you now."
"I see." He stood and the mask was firmly in place. He outdid the Admiral for stony countenance. And once again she glimpsed the man he would become: cold, untouchable to any other woman, alone. It broke her heart. Even as she reached out and touched his arm, he didn’t flinch, didn’t react. His eyes were dead to her. "I need time, Clay." Still he didn’t respond. "A month, Clay! Please. I do care about you. But I’ve got a lot of thinking to do."
"I won’t do this again, Sarah. I won’t trail after you like some pathetic puppy looking for a pat on the head. The ball’s in your court." He turned and flung open the bedroom door. Before the front door slammed, she was huddled on the floor, weeping.
Strong arms lifted her up.
"Careful, AJ."
"To hell with letting them duke it out. I’ll do the ass-kicking – on both of them!"
"Don’t!" Sarah curled up on the bed, ignoring the pull on her muscles, ignoring the fact that her CO was probably seeing more of her ass than he needed to. "It’s my fault. I sent them away."
Nora nudged AJ aside. "Smartest thing you could have done. Idiots. Putting that kind of pressure on you at a time like this. You need to rest, get your strength back. It’s not going to happen overnight."
"How long, Nora?" AJ asked softly.
Nora considered the question carefully. "The doctor said light duty after her next…"
"Sir," Sarah rolled over and sat up. "I have six weeks of accrued vacation time."
"I can’t spare you that long."
"Tough!"
His eyes darkened, but she continued, determined to get it all said. "There’s no arguing or ordering me. Sir, I’m going to be no good to you until I work this out. This is too important to me. I have to do this. I have to settle this. But I refuse to be rushed into …"
"For God’s sake, Mac! Pick one of them!"
"Oh, Boomer," Nora sighed.
"Boomer?" Sarah thought she would choke. The Admiral looked like he wanted to strangle both of them.
"It was his handle in…"
"That’s enough, Captain Simmons!" he said. "Four weeks, Colonel MacKenzie." He glared at her and added, "And if you ever use that name, I’ll have you up on insubordination!"
"Aye-Aye, sir!" she said to his retreating back as he, too, stalked out of the apartment, leaving them alone.
She lay back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.
"You want a back rub?"
"No."
"Well, I’ll say good night."
"You were lucky."
Nora took a deep breath. "Was I? Perhaps. We’ll never know. Even if something happens between AJ and I, it won’t be like it could’ve been. You need to make a decision, but, if you’ll forgive me, Sarah, it seems to me that, even more than that, you really need to get your head on straight. A man isn’t going to make you better. That’s your job, Marine. Now get some sleep."